Suffering is Optional

Do u know those blogs you read where somebody is writing about their experiences and they are so vague about it or even so poetic that you are left with a very empty icky feeling of "why dont they just get on with it and say it like it is. Say it! I hate such blogs...ok I am also being as vague but I say if you are going to write about your experiences you better be real about it. Stop euphemising with picturesque descriptions around the issue itself(someone must have died and made me a literary expert on authorial emotional expression-what does that even mean?)
Anyhoooo....
Today is New years eve and for once I am actually excited. I have only one resolution this time, which I probably wont keep, but at least I have a goal. I will excercise at least once a week (yes that is quite the task for me cause I am just a couch potato). Maybe I can shed off those 6 Kgs I dont need.
So back to the real reason I am excited. I made a huge discovery this Christmas. Family members are the cause of all the mental cases there are. What better time than Christmas to discover that your family is the driving force of your insanity. Ok, its not a new discovery cause many have known this for years. But for me it was like an 'aha moment', as Oprah calls it. I have never felt so freed(am I being vague?). These people are driving me crazy! I realised that I have been depressed for past few years because of rejection and resentment I felt towards my sister. I never even knew about it but when I figured it out I felt so free. Freeeeeeee! I am not abnormal! Wooohooo! So now all I have to do is just get over it and not let it ruin the rest of my life. So my new year is gonna start with a new mindset. I am just excited. Someone once told me that tragedy is inevitable but suffering is optional. I am going to leave all that pain in 2008.

So anyway, about that excercising, does flipping channels on the remote count?

Schizophrenic African Woman

I sit here wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I hate who I am? Why do I have these bouts of insecurity, of feeling inadequate; of just feeling yucky being me? Frankly I am just tired. I am tired of self-hate. I am a fantastic person, I am brilliant and one day I will take over the world.
I know this, I just need to feel it. I just need to feel good about being stuck in this body. Its not like anything is gonna change about my appearance. My big butt will never go, my teeth will still be crooked unless I get lots of money to fix them, my accent....well that is to stay.

I would just like to know who put these stupid ideas that I am not enough in my head.

Is it me? (Well, "me", I officially dump your negative ass for a more positive "super me")
Is it stupid magazines and movies?(Have you seen the layers of makeup they put on those wrinkly, pimply and blotchy buggers? Why would you want that?)
Is it my mother? (Look mum, I am so much better looking than you so just get used to seeing a younger version of you having fun and get off my back!)
Is it my friends?(Wow, jealous friends. You should also get used to the idea that I am very talented and very beautiful. Stop pointing out my flaws in an effort to get me to hate myself. Its not going to work anymore. I am so not at your level.)
Is it my stupid boss who feels that a guy can do my job better than me?(Two words: Fuck you you incompetent fool...sorry, those are 5 words, but I'm sure you know the most important are the first two).
Is it my colleagues who think that just cause I am black I am not as beautiful as someone with a lighter complexion? (Screw you bitch-You know very well that once your guy tastes this dark chocolate he wont want your yucky toffee.)

I have decided to be schizophrenic. Anything they say, Super me will kick their butts.I just turned 29 and I aint spending the rest of my life feeling the way I have since I was born. Its the kind of stuff horror movies are made from.

So, now what?

Not a fan of talking about this. Maybe the fact that I am not in Kenya at the moment I kinda forgot how it felt when I saw the country literally go up in smoke in Dec07 and Jan08 and how we couldn't travel to buy groceries. My nightmares of being chased by people with machettes only ended last month.
I am still very bitter, why lie. I didn't realize how bitter I was until a friend visited from Kenya and she told me of the way the country's social relationships have been destroyed-things are not the same, even if there is "peace". Where did all this tribalism nonsense come from? I just don't understand. I didn't grow up hating someone, just because they were from another tribe. The leaders we trusted with our lives have betrayed us and have destroyed the perceptions of so many generations. They have betrayed us completely the selfish bastards! It will take us years to recover and actually trust that someone from another tribe is not 'out to get me'....
I dunno if I am making any sense to anyone out there. How do we rise above this yucky feelings we have for each other inside and the imaginary conspiracies they have planted in our minds?

Now what do we do cause dude, I am an angry Kenyan woman. Its not over for me and I am not going to pretend that I was not affected. Its not fine and dandy just because they have colluded to work together. Or maybe I am not mature enough to forgive and forget what they did. Because think about it, behind closed doors, when your friends from other 'rival' tribes are not there, what do you say about their community? Come one, be honest, we all do it.

These leaders messed us up and they are the same people, so called enemies, who will go play golf together in Karen, using tax payers money to furnish their lifestyles with all sorts of luxuries.


Damn.

We have been played.

Finally!

I finally made it into film school(apparently I have talent)! Yay! Oooh, if all my skeptics could see me now. I remember the way I would try so hard to go to different types of people, showing them my scripts begging them to teach me how to edit. None of them had any interest in helping me in any way and even fewer people encouraging me. Only Wambui Murima (Rest in Peace) believed that I had talent that could make waves. And because of that extra push I am doing not just a college diploma or an undergraduate degree; I am doing my Master's degree in film. Its been so hard trying to get to this point. Its such a nice feeling to wake up each day and know that one day, I am going to be the best film producer in the world...ok ok baby steps, in Africa.
So herein starts my journey to becoming a storyteller....